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What if dads wrote their own Christmas cards?

Deep thoughts by Ben Fineburg

The holidays are over, and for the second year in a row after Christmas, I carried on a new tradition. Ever since came into being, I have become keenly interested in the Christmas cards we receive from our friends and family. Before our website, I used to read the greeting, look at the photo card, show it to my wife, and place the card on the mantle or stick it on the fridge with a magnet. Now things are a little different.

These days, when Christmas is over and the cards come down, I spend some time evaluating them (with my trained, discerning eye): which ones are designed well? How big are the photos? What kind of personalization do they incorporate? How do the colors look together? This year, as I continued with my new post-holiday routine, I noticed something different. All the card greetings were so well written. And I'm not just talking about subject-verb agreement. I mean these cards were thoughtful, poignant, even elegant.

This revelation made me think. Surely these greetings weren’t written by others of my kind - men who could do about anything in this world except string words together for a living. And a funny question pops up: what if only unshaven, paunchy, holes-in-their-drawers men like me wrote their own greetings for personalized photo cards and Christmas cards? We would have to try really hard to make them sound right. And we would try, mind you, but our words…don’t…work real good and stuff. You’d probably find better greetings from

Here’s a sampling of what we could expect.

  • Hi family! Umm, here’s a picture that I like, but of course, Amy doesn’t like it. She thinks her butt looks too big, so whatever.
  • Merry Christmas from us to you!
  • Try some bacon for breakfast on Christmas morning.
  • I’m, uh, not good at writing and stuff, so, um, may your first child would be a masculine child on this wedding day of your daughter. Merry Christmas.
  • There once was a Christmas in Nantucket…
  • Hey Baby, I hope Santa comes down your chimney this year! (giggle, giggle)
  • Here’s a picture of us this year. Little Johnny doesn’t pick his nose as much as he used to.

Yes, sir, these are not pretty at all.  Might as well ask us to sew an Easter dress for your daughter.  Yep, on second thought, it’s a good thing that has a great selection of mighty-fine, pre-written greetings if you find yourself in the not-so-enviable position of being both being a man AND having to write your holiday cards this year. Good thing indeed!


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